W. C. Fields Quotes, Sayings, Remarks, Thoughts and Speeches
W. C. Fields Quotes and Sayings
- 1
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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- 2
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
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- 3
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
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- 4
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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- 5
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
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- 6
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
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- 7
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
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- 8
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
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- 9
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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- 10
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
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- 11
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
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- 12
Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
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- 13
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
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- 14
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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- 15
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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- 16
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
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- 17
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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- 18
I drink therefore I am.
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- 19
I like children - fried.
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- 20
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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- 21
I must have a drink of breakfast.
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- 22
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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- 23
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
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- 24
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
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- 25
I never met a kid I liked.
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- 26
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
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- 27
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
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- 28
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
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- 29
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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- 30
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
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- 31
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
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- 32
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
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- 33
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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- 34
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
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- 35
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
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- 36
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
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- 37
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
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- 38
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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- 39
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
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- 40
Never give a sucker an even break.
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- 41
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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- 42
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
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- 43
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
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- 44
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.
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- 45
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
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- 46
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
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- 47
Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.
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- 48
Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.
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- 49
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
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- 50
Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.
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- 51
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
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- 52
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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- 53
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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- 54
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
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- 55
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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- 56
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
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- 57
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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- 58
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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- 59
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
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- 60
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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- 61
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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- 62
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.
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- 63
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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