Joan Rivers Quotes, Sayings, Remarks, Thoughts and Speeches
Joan Rivers Quotes and Sayings
- 1
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 2
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 3
Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 4
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 5
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 6
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 7
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 8
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 9
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 10
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 11
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 12
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 13
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 14
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 15
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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- 16
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 17
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 18
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 19
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 20
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 21
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 22
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 23
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 24
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 25
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 26
Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 27
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 28
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 29
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 30
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 31
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 32
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 33
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 34
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
- 35
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Joan Rivers | Refcard PDF ↑
