Woody Allen Quotes, Sayings, Remarks, Thoughts and Speeches
Woody Allen Quotes and Sayings
- 1
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
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- 2
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
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- 3
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
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- 4
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
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- 5
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
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- 6
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
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- 7
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
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- 8
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
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- 9
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
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- 10
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
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- 11
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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- 12
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
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- 13
I am two with nature.
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- 14
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
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- 15
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
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- 16
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
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- 17
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
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- 18
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
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- 19
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
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- 20
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
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- 21
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
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- 22
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
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- 23
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
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- 24
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
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- 25
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
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- 26
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
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- 27
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
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- 28
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
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- 29
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
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- 30
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
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- 31
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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- 32
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
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- 33
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
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- 34
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
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- 35
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
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- 36
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
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- 37
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
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- 38
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
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- 39
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
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- 40
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
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- 41
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
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- 42
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
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- 43
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
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- 44
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
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- 45
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
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- 46
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
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- 47
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
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- 48
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
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- 49
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
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- 50
Marriage is the death of hope.
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- 51
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
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- 52
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
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- 53
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
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- 54
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
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- 55
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
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- 56
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
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- 57
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
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- 58
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
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- 59
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
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- 60
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
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- 61
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
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- 62
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
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- 63
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
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- 64
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
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- 65
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
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- 66
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
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- 67
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
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- 68
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
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- 69
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
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- 70
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
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- 71
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
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- 72
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
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- 73
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
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- 74
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
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- 75
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
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- 76
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
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- 77
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
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- 78
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
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