Steven Wright Quotes, Sayings, Remarks, Thoughts and Speeches
Steven Wright Quotes and Sayings
- 1
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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- 2
At one point he decided enough was enough.
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- 3
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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- 4
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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- 5
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
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- 6
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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- 7
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
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- 8
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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- 9
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
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- 10
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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- 11
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
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- 12
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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- 13
Hermits have no peer pressure.
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- 14
How young can you die of old age?
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- 15
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
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- 16
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
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- 17
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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- 18
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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- 19
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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- 20
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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- 21
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
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- 22
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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- 23
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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- 24
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
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- 25
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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- 26
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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- 27
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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- 28
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
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- 29
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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- 30
I invented the cordless extension cord.
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- 31
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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- 32
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
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- 33
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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- 34
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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- 35
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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- 36
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
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- 37
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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- 38
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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- 39
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
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- 40
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
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- 41
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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- 42
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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- 43
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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- 44
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
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- 45
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
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- 46
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
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- 47
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
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- 48
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright | Refcard PDF ↑
- 49
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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- 50
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
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- 51
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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- 52
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
Steven Wright | Refcard PDF ↑
- 53
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright | Refcard PDF ↑
- 54
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
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- 55
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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- 56
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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- 57
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
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- 58
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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- 59
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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- 60
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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- 61
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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- 62
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
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- 63
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
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- 64
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
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- 65
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
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- 66
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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- 67
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
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- 68
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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- 69
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright | Refcard PDF ↑
- 70
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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- 71
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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- 72
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
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- 73
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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- 74
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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- 75
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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- 76
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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- 77
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
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- 78
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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- 79
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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- 80
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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- 81
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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- 82
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
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- 83
So, do you live around here often?
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- 84
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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- 85
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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- 86
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
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- 87
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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- 88
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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- 89
What a nice night for an evening.
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- 90
What's another word for Thesaurus?
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- 91
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
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- 92
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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- 93
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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- 94
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
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- 95
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
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- 96
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
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- 97
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
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- 98
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
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